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The last year has been hell

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  • The last year has been hell

    I don't want to sound like a whiner, but I wanted to vent a bit. About a year ago I became friends with a female co-worker, and then it became more than friends (I am married). We didn't sleep together, but it was definitely more than "just friends". I told my wife in a fight, and the next several months were hellish at home. I very nearly lost my wife and kids over it. After that ended, and we still picking up the pieces, my dad had a heart transplant (which is almost always successful to start with), and died 17 days later. That followed with me quitting my job, because my boss wouldn't give me time off work. In the meantime I found online work and later a part-time job, which helped, but now we are pregnant again, and will be feeling a money crunch down the line. It doesn't help my dad's death anniversary is only 6 weeks away. When will it end? When will it feel "normal" and happy again? I could use some advice.

  • #2
    I'm sorry to hear about your situation, and I don't think that I have the best advice to give you, but all that I can say is that every human has their good and bad times, you're just on a bad time, it will get better, I promise! Just don't give up, keep looking for a better job, don't get stuck in just one job, enjoy the little pleasures in life, dream about your future kid! (You create a life! Do you realize how amazing it sounds?) Again, don't give up! you can totally get through this.

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    • #3
      Try to solve the small problems first one at time and gradually solve your bigger problems. Don't be in a hurry to solve those problems because that is impossible. You can't solve everything with a snap of a finger. Do things gradually one at a time.I have many problems too and if I tried t think about them, I will be more negative and the more negative In get the more depressed I will be. I tried to take things slowly and now I am having less problems. The difficulty of the problems I have to deal with gets harder but I am able to handle them because I am not panicking.

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      • #4
        Sorry to hear about your loss, but don't beat yourself up over it! I know the past has been kind of rough, but you've got to keep looking forward to the future. I mean, surely, you're having some serious problems that need to get fixed but YOU'RE HAVING A CHILD SOON! If I were in your place I'd be so pumped up to have another child.
        As Billy said, try to solve things one by one. If you tackle them all at once you're not going to go too far.

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        • #5
          Sorry to hear of the rough patch. But congrads on the coming wee one. They are such a blessing.

          Comedian and actor Dennis Miller refers to it as "the (expletive) storm that is adult life." Believe me, I know how it can be nuts. Right now I'm juggling a gonzo job, a newborn, a toddler, and a wife that is recovering from surgery. The only advice I can give is make "To Do" lists to crank through what needs to be done, make financial security a high priority, be able to say "no" to some requests (I've always had a hard time with this due to cultural reasons), don't neglect your health (e.g., eat right, exercise, etc.), and carve out at least a few minutes of quiet time each day to clear your head.

          P.S. I'm not entirely sure what "more than friends" means with a female co-worker. I am sure that I wouldn't want to enter into a relationship that would mess up my family though. That and my wife is a pretty darn good shot, so my chances of survival would likely drop precipitously in such a scenario.
          fcphdJim and Tumbleweed like this.
          "Success is survival." ~ Leonard Cohen

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          • #6
            When things are rough for me (like now...I think things are the worst they've ever been), I try to focus on three things:

            1) what I'm thankful for
            2) how I can fix the things that are wrong (or remove them from my life)
            3) how I can prepare for what might/will happen next

            Sometimes that's enough. Sometimes it isn't. But we find ways to survive. It's rough now and it scary and I know (god, I know) that it seems like there's no end in sight. But if you persevere, and if you make sure that you don't let this stress fracture your family (it's too easy to turn against each other), you will adapt and you will get through this. Never assume you "can't", because with that attitude, you won't.

            You can do this. One thing I recommend being thankful for: you are not alone.

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            • #7
              I feel this way too sometimes but you know what always always cheers me up even through my darkest and saddest days? My son. There were times that I just want to give up, in my marriage or my work. But what keeps me holding on and fighting is my son. Just seeing him smile is enough for me to carry on and get through my day.

              So just look at your kids and see how innocent they are. Maybe thay will be enough for you to go on, move on and try again. Just keep on fighting, everyday is a struggle but you have precious little ones to take care of. Also you have a new baby! Maybe this new baby is sent by your dad to remind you of him. Good luck and bless you!

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              • #8
                It seems to me that the main focus right now is the new baby and certain financial considerations that need to be taken into account. Perhaps it might help you on several levels to put all your energy into getting a new job, or finding a way to generate more income, as an increased cash flow situation might relax your mind more and make it possible to digest what's been happening with your father and your co-worker. At the same time, some full-time employment will also distract you from dwelling too much on the recent past.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by cosmojet View Post
                  1) what I'm thankful for
                  Agreed with this. Cultivating and having a spirit of thankfulness can be very grounding. All of us have things we can be thankful for, we can see things of beauty even during rough times, and we look forward to new joys later on. The alternative is focusing solely on the negative which will eat one away in short order.

                  Tangentially, my late grandmother taught me a saying in my youth that is "be kind to everyone you meet, you don't know what burden they are bearing."
                  cosmojet likes this.
                  "Success is survival." ~ Leonard Cohen

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                  • #10
                    Everyone goes through rough seasons of life, sometimes they permanently alter our lives in some way. But that doesn't mean things will never be good again, they will be different, but a new kind of good. Just focus on the good things you have and move forward.

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                    • #11
                      I would suggest concentrating on making money right now. things will improve in time but if you are doing something practical to try and improve your situation then you'll start to feel a little more in control of things. Is your wife able to undertake some extra money making activities too?

                      Remember to be kind to yourself too. You are still grieving and anniversaries are always difficult.

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                      • #12
                        Life is a journey of ups and downs. Such situations happen in everybody's life in some way or other. What you need is to believe in God and tell yourself that he has something wonderful in store for you. I have also gone through many downs in my life but somehow managed to live. In my view whenever bad things happen to our lives, it happens altogether. But there will be a better future after a down trend. So try to be positive (I know it is not an easy thing to do in such a situation).

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